You won't burn my heart out.

[Ellie]

These veins are borrowed
This shell is borrowed
A new life after death
It's f*cking perfect
Don't you fear
They'll never hurt us darling
These veins are borrowed
This love is real

Lars lie on his back on the slightly damp hill staring at the small stars that flashed around in the sky like crystals in a massive chandelier. It had been a long time since he was fully confused on his life. Usually, he let coincidental and matters he knew he couldn't comprehend rest. But he just couldn't, not this time. This time it was too much to bear on his shoulders and in his head.

Fog rolled over his face as he closed his eyes to a chilly breeze. It was refreshing and unsettling at the same time. The clear crisp smell and touch of the wind left him feeling new and refreshed, but how cold and bitter it felt reminded him that he was deceased and alone. It was an odd mix that also confused him, much like everything else.

He wasn't sure anymore if a vampire could fall in love and let it last. Which answered the question if love was forever. He felt so strongly when he was in love as one of the undead, but that overly strong feeling didn't last more than six months. But he would still deny that he couldn't love at all, he surely didn;t want to live in a world that was so. He wouldn't let his heart go cold like the rest of him.

Why didn't he just convert his eating habits long ago when he had first contemplated it? If he had just done that he wouldn't be here, he'd be home, with the one he loved. But no. He just had to stick on humans, even though through their relationship, Lars tried desperately to switch habits then, but it was a fail. He just ended up nauseous and spewing the blood he had just downed. Haemish would always say he never cared, that it didn't change things between them. But then why? Why when he found Lars feeding he killed himself? Another puzzling thought. Lars was sure he had kept true to his word. Haemish didn't die hating him, he knew that for a fact. Lars didn't know what to think of it, no matter how hard he tried. The answer he knew, may never be known. All he knew is that he regretted everything, every stupid move he'd done, what he had chosen for himself. Not one of them he counted as a mistake he learned from. He was ashamed and angered at himself for all of it, no matter how hard he tried to tell himself they weren't his fault.

He knew he had tried to blame Quincey's death on her so many times. He wasn't totally wrong in doing so though. She had literally left him for dead, left him totally alone to go through the painful three day death. He hated her for that. For if she would have just stayed. He wouldn't of been left confused, at the end of that time he had no idea what had happened to him, he just blanked out, something else taking over, the hunger, it just took him whole and he murdered his best friend, the vision still clear in his mind. After the hunger had been satisfied completely, he returned to self, and didn't bother coming out of the apartment for months in confusion, anger, and mourning. Ultimately starving himself as much as possible before needing to go out before he officially drove himself mad.

He could have blamed her for all of that. If only she stayed! But then, in his mind somewhere he remembered her face of fear as she left. It wasn't a fear for him, but, the fear of watching what he was to become, she was afraid to even look at what he was about to endure. Did that mean she couldn't watch because she had loved him to much to watch him die by her hands? He honestly hoped it was the case. But if his hopes were true, it was still all his fault.

The worst part was, even though he felt this way, even though he would end his own dead life if he was easily capable, even though THEY all knew he was like this, in this state. They still haunted him, Haemish and Quincey. Their ghosts had apparently teamed up forces. Yet, Lars was confused on their presence too. Were they truly his ghosts, or were they his guardians?

They'd never tried to hurt him once, they just, reprimanded him with chilling words whenever he tried to feed on a human, and let their presence be known nearly every day. That just caused him more pain, but he still loved them. So much. And being dead himself gave him the rights to still love them and not have anyone tell him he needed to let go, he would never let go.
But it wasn't as if they were their as a ghostly whole. Whenever they appeared, he just saw them as faint ghosts, whenever they spoke, it was only in the softest whispers, whenever they would touch him, they were only zephyrs on his skin.

Tears cascaded down from his eyes and into the hair around his ears as he remained on the long flowing grass. He never knew why he couldn't release sobs, he had never been able to sob while he cried. It was just, hard to do for him. Salty tears just poured down his face uncontrollably, but he would never utter a sound of his sorrow.

This face means nothing
These hands feel nothing
These lungs are empty
These eyes are blind
But I'm here and this heart is yours
Our love never dies

'8 And I dont know why, but I'm locking it because I want to and I dunno it just ugh, It's like, too special to be replied to by someone not planned on savvy?../is obviously as confused as Lars.]